pens make noise

Xxxx

Xxxx

back to the beginning the very start a lone table playlist blaring tune it out instead hear the silence the conundrum of words pounding the page before the time of friends of jolly discourse poured over cups of dark roast and chocolate croissants split into bits for sharing before the time of fine cars pulled up close the grinding of motors and retired race car drivers reminiscing about top shelf liquor before the time of colored hair extensions and costume jewelry seeking the approval of old Persian men who fall and fall away crushed under squealing tires and nasty little dogs lost only to be buried in a simple  shroud below a bloated dead race car driver now back to the lone table the incessant quiet of blaring music and words colliding creating a racket in a long closed notebook ©Karen Casady 2019

She says, “what do you need it for.” Classic. I expect to hear  nothing else. So like her.  Rote by rote. Automatic. Not comforting. Except maybe to  reassure herself. So as not to feel her own shame or blame or pain. I say, “you are right” because for once she is right. So many times before a fierce need arose to defend my choices. How dare she comment. How dare she stand as judge. How dare she cast doubt. Cast doubt. Cast doubt. Maybe because she is long dead and I only imagined her words that my reply “you are right” burst forth. I don’t need it. It will gather dust and die with me. When all is said and done no one will care but me. Me. Me. And that’s the point isn’t it. I don’t need it. Not really. But I love having it. I. Love. Having. It. © Karen Casady 2019

I hardly notice It crept up on me Not unexpected Yet it surprised me The larger significance Obvious The lesser more Poignant The good company  Gone And with them the Art That adorned their walls And the walls of their forbears My forebears Paintings that inched into my life Sculpture that enlightened my soul That at each visit awaited And satisfied my anticipation That over years inserted themselves into my awareness Integrated themselves into my life’s framework The good company always Voices travel  Pinged satellite to satellite until they reach my ears The art remains silent But for brief fleeting mind apparitions ©Karen Casady 2019

YOU ruined everything created an impossible situation caused an unwanted reality it will never be the same an altered image has taken up residence embedded itself in my brain Unerasable. Unstoppable. pretending it is not so denial  a lifelong habit an invaluable survival apparatus upended now I can’t keep the thought out of my mind it floats there I attempt to adjust it juxtapose it turn it round and round look at it from different directions I try to see it imagine it  sometimes my mind wraps itself around it ah ha I say almost there I reach for it but no  it can’t be I try again I just want to say something with or without yes and know hair no hair thanks just thanks YOU ruined everything © Karen Casady 2019

you chattered all the way through no stopping you on you babbled  aside after aside not the smallest acknowledgment not the slightest heed lowering your voice you whispered fancying yourself a whisperer to hold your lone listener in thrall or so you thought but not really speaking under your breath for all to hear  and you oblivious to your indiscretion to the turned heads the discomfort of your unintended audience only a kick stopped your inane utterances and in that moment I knew you to be not worth the effort of our love hate relationship that in spite your admirable qualities yes there are some you are rude and inconsiderate that explains a lot that makes you irrelevant © Karen Casady 2019